blogsecret:

I have had it for three years, and besides the physical problems from it (I use an oxygen tube, I can’t really do exercise, I don’t have that much hair) I don’t feel like I have it. But when I’m really happy, or laughing at some joke, sometimes a random thought reminding me I am sick, and the doctors don’t know whether I’ll live past this year, two years, three years, or however long it’ll take me to die, pops up in my brain, and I get depressed.
I have no one to talk to, because although my family is amazing, and so so supportive of me, they don’t get it. No one gets it. I’ve talked to other cancer patients but although they go through what I do, they have no way of getting inside your mind. It just sucks. I can’t connect with regular people my age, either, because the worst thing in their world is breaking up with their boy/girlfriend, or failing a class, or being grounded. Those things are so TRIVIAL. They don’t MATTER.
And yet they do matter, they are things that help you live life, but I can’t live life happily. I don’t even live unhappily. I live on the computer, my “friends” live on my Skype list, I don’t communicate with the outside world much. I have thought about suicide but I would never do it, because I *am* thankful for my life, and sicker people that are dying would be disgusted to hear that I am wasting my health. Yeah, I’m calling myself healthy when I am not.
And my dad was a pastor at one point, but he is no longer one because that pays shit money. So my parents are religious, they do live really God-following lives, but none of my siblings do. And I love God, I don’t believe that He makes me sick, but when people ask my WHY I believe that, or WHY He doesn’t just cure me, I don’t have an answer. And if I think about it for too long, I start to lose faith. And I haven’t prayed for so long.
I don’t have anyone to talk to, I can’t even talk to anyone on the BlogSecret call list, because they wouldn’t know what to say. I’m feeling so lost. and helpless. And I really don’t know what to do.
Shit, now I’m crying and I can’t even make my thoughts out in words.

wow that’s so sad.

i’m extremely sorry to whoever posted this and i really hope and pray for you to get better (: